Permission in the Pandemic

Our home in full bloom. 
Photo credit: A

I gave myself permission

some call it freedom

to let my curls be curls

not tied up, not straightened out

they are a start

to my writing and loving

I let them loose

now I can rein in my tongue

I let them loose

now I can write

my rage flows through my hair

instead of being suppressed

built up only to burst into flames

that hurt everyone and me

now my hair is angry

but my tongue is full of love

now my hair is angry

but my fingers and heart let go

I think before I speak

I love with more kindness

I, me, myself, I now celebrate

my curls have let me think and calibrate.

30 things I can do in my 30s

I can

1. Talk about my weaknesses without being ashamed of them

2. Call myself a mother

3. Quit a job I love to spend more time with my family

4. Make sleep the #1 priority for my family in 2014 and feel good about it

5. Love to bits two little people who never existed two years ago

6. Kiss my husband in public and not feel self-conscious

7. Embrace my wavy-curly-messy hair and feel perfectly fine that it's not poker straight

8. Love my skin for the flawed, imperfect little bumps and bruises it is 

9. Feel amazingly proud that I had two drug-free, pain-filled intense births that I joyfully experienced

10. Analyse people I meet into MBTI and Keirsey temperament and personality types 

11. Savor drinking my chai for a full ten minutes without multitasking 

12. Wonder how the heck my parents sailed through and are sailing through parenthood so easily

13. Listen to people without judgement 

14. Listen to people without interrupting them 

15. Listen to people without needing to add my opinion 

16. Talk softly (ok, compared to before)

17. Drive a big fat black car in the US

18. Drive with a screaming toddler behind me and stay calm

19. Cook an authentic Mangalorian meal

20. Cook an authentic Tam Brahmin meal

21. Bake bread

22. Bake a veggie dish

23. Thank my parents instead of taking them for granted
24. Say 'I love you' to the ones I love instead of feeling all awkward about saying them and thinking "Isn't this implied? Why should I say these words aloud?"
25. Be my own boss 
26. Make big eyes at myself in the mirror because I found my first grey hair
27. Accept that my husband prefers playing a world conquest game to sharing his thoughts, feelings and emotions with me on a Sunday evening
28. Realize that I kind of knew nothing in my twenties
29. Accept that I still kind of know nothing HAHAHHA
30. Maintain a blog and feverishly update it right after returning home from giving birth as though it is the most important thing in the world 

How a 32-year old is learning swimming, singing and sleeping

Swimming, singing and sleeping. 

These are the 3 words Precious S is saying really often these days. And she is all about delicious action, not mere words. 

SWIMMING

A takes S out swimming over weekends and she simply loves it. In fact she demands it every other day. She loves her special daddy-time, her neon pink polka-dot swimsuit (I swear, it's so bright, it's almost blinding), the feel of splashing water all around and most importantly- the act of kicking, which she does with 100% enthusiasm.

Spot the daddy-daughter duo.
Sigh! Don't you just love the blue-y blue of swimming pools?

I usually tag along, doing my own beach whale act in the corner. Thing is, I don't really know how to swim. I never learnt how to as a kid. I mean, I can survive swimming the breadth of a pool...but ask me to swim the length and my stomach turns into an octopus with knotted feet. 

Imagine these feet knotting up in my belly

Somehow my maternal instinct has kicked in for swimming too - I ask myself what I would do if S needed rescuing in the pool when she is swimming. 

What if she gets a leg cramp?
What if when she is a cute teenager, some shady boy tries to start a slimy conversation with her and I need to quickly rescue her in the deep end?
What if she wants her mom to be cool enough to go swimming with her and not be a random "Oh I'm too old for all this" type of traditional mom?

Anyway, while thinking those random positive thoughts, I realize I can't be left behind and need to catch up with my 18-month old daughter. The good thing is that I tag along and splash about in the pool, regaining confidence to 'swim'. 
Or at least look cool enough to not freak out and need rescuing in 3 feet of water. 

SINGING

S has taken to singing these days and bursts into err...'song?' at every opportunity. Her expressions and intonations while she sings are absolutely priceless. She throws in all energy and effort into the most intense expressions I've ever seen. 

Eyebrows raised, head turned slightly upwards, she makes a perfect O with her mouth and sings 

Aaaaa....aaaaaaaaaaaa...aa....aaaaaaaaaaa...aa..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I appreciate music in a naive, base instinct type of way but have no idea how to 'teach' her any sort of music. Not that an 18-month old needs to be strumming a guitar or listening to Bach all the time...but I would surely love to expose her to different types of musical fun. Bollywood, Carnatic music, Western classical, hip hop, basically anything that isn't just nursery rhyme. 

Thus, am expanding my horizons in search of pure music. 

SLEEPING

I know, I know. I probably shouldn't be pulling S into my bed when she wakes up at 4am. Especially because we end up in this fun 6am position with her bottom smothering my face. 

Inspirational pictures from this blog

I'm learning to sleep in spurts these days, because we are in the start of Fall season = Flu season and S invariably wakes up at random hours of the night demanding mommy. After a few exhausting and unproductive days, I ditched my habit of going to sleep at a consistent time everyday and just started sleeping whenever the urge hits. 

The luxury of working on my own terms. aaahhhh!

How to shoo bad juju

'Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them' 

Eckhart Tolle

Everyday I strive to be the 'awareness' behind my thoughts and emotions. Some days, I let myself go and simply express my thoughts and emotions. and I accept that that's ok too.

Since I ranted in my previous post, and I do believe that good things don't happen to whiners, I wanted to balance out the potential bad juju in my life with thankfulness. That's how you shoo bad juju. 

Good juju, come on over. 

Thoo thoo. (Spits in air to ward off evil eye)

Juju-gods, are you listening, I ask?

I must say that the rant felt good AND bad. Good to purge, bad to be negative. I think exposing my weaknesses and vulnerabilities is what makes me and the rest of us more human. So...no regrets. 

Moving on, here's what I am thankful for at this 'rush hour' stage of my life. Thanks, C for the 'rush hour' reference in your comment to the previous post.

I am thankful for:

- My family: You make me feel loved, respected and cared for. You make me want to love, respect and care for you

- My job: It is a privilege to have a job and a partner who are perfectly creative, strategic and flexible at this stage of my life

- My friends: You make me laugh, you give me perspective and tell me it's ok to be bitchy, mean and needy at times

- My gym: You give me my me-time and energize me

- The weather right now: Not too hot, not too cold. Just right

- Music: You make me smile and little S dance...err....jump

- Healthy food: You make me feel active and energized

- Movies: You make me lose myself in another world

- Hot chai: YUM. You are my sinful indulgence

- Pilates: You make me fit, cool and....well...bendy

- Children's books: You make me feel like I'm the least talented, least creative person in the world and push me to read more of you to expand my horizons and try harder

- Credit cards and online shopping: You make me feel spendy powerful in control. I don't know the right word for you. It's like having the first crush - so overwhelmingly heady and powerful and yet flooded with a sense of helplessness

If we are not in touch, YOU are 50% to blame

Yes, this is a rant. 

Because I am starting to get pissed. and hormonal. and running out of patience. 

I am so sick of listening to people, both family and friends, whine away:

X: Oh but you never call
me (thinking): Neither do YOU. 
You don't call on birthdays, you don't call on Deepavali or New Year's, you don't call on weekends, ohwaitaminit, you have actually NEVER called me once since I moved out of India

X:Oh but it's been so hard to stay in touch with you since you moved to the US
me: Why is that? You have a mobile phone, you know how to text, you are on whatsapp, you are on Facebook, you are on Yahoo, you are on Google and you know how to use email. You have no excuse. At least you can return my calls

X: Oh you know how it is in India, so many people, so many demands, I have no time to even pause and think
me: Yes, I actually DO know. I lived there most of my life. I also know that people have people to help them at home, people watch movies at the cinema frequently, sit glued to the TV for hours on end, go out to eat often and bitch about how their lives suck and seem to have quite a bit of time to talk to other people ABOUT me. Why not suck it and call me or write to me? If you have so much time to dedicate to Mrs.XYZ who visited you last week, how come you don't have the time to say a humble hi to me? 
Be frank and say that I rank low on your priority list so don't expect me to rank you high.

X: Oh you are the younger one here, it's understood that you should call me
me: Seriously, have you checked the day and age we live in? Humans are equals in communication-expectation unless you are my grandmother and are technologically challenged. If you are anyone else and are older and wiser, I could benefit from hearing about your life experiences. Call me to distribute your gyaan at least

X: I am so busy
me: Yes, I know all about it. I have my hands full too. Let's not get me started on that

It takes two to make a relationship. If you want to be really close and not just pay lip-service, it takes a balance of frankness and assertiveness as well as true understanding and patience. If you are the sort who is whiny and lazy and still feel like you have some right to expect me to do all the communication work when I'm in the busiest phase of my life, you are delusional. Or you think you are entitled...for no apparent reason.

Please understand that there are lifestages that people go through and each has its share of busy seasons. I understand when you are busy and cannot call. Just don't have this unfair expectation that I should be the only one doing the calling and then whine.

There are three things any relationship needs to stay strong:
Time, Talk and Teamwork. How about you fitting me into your calendar sometime this year, huh? Maybe we can talk and try to work as a team to figure this out.

Oh and you just fell off my list of people to really care about. 

Why I refuse to give advice to Kate Middleton

Not like she came a-knocking at my door but still....IF she did, I've decided not to offer any advice. My reader stats show me that I have a bunch of readers from the UK who consistently read my blog every single day. How can I assume she's not reading? ;)

Oh wait...you ask why I won't be offering new-mom advice? 

Well, primarily because I'm going to be consistent and reliable and stick to what I said earlier.

Secondly, because of what these BBC folks so wisely said about 10 types of irritating advice for parents. Thanks, cousin A for sharing the article!

So keep smiling, Kate. You'll be great.

Oh...and ignore all those headlines that scream out "Will Kate Middleton breastfeed or not?". It's nobody's bleeping business. I swear, that's a big topic of debate in some circles in the UK. 
Ugh. Pregnancy is hard as is, people, without having the world stare at your royal bosom wondering whether it has milk or not. Get a life. Quick.

A solution to plastic bag clutter

When I lived in Madras and Bombay, I never really faced the 'plastic bag clutter' issue. I used and re-used cloth bags and very rarely accepted plastic bags from the stores. Carrying your own bag was the culture and it made sense. A little bit of inconvenience made a big difference to saving the world. So we all sucked it up and carried on.

Plastic has a different story here in the United States. I feel like I have to take double the thought and effort to save my home from getting submerged in a flood of plastic (so convenient) or paper (oh so pretty) bags.

Oh-kayz. Look at this basket of shamefulness.These are not the values I want to be imparting to S.

A and I finally have a solution to plastic bag clutter (and this might seem so 1990 to those of you who are already doing this!):

Say no to bags. 

End of story.

We shifted our hoarder attitude to a purger attitude. 

From

You never know when you'll really need it...someday

to

We don't need this, we have a better alternative.

Storing plastic bags so "we will reuse them someday" only adds height to the plastic bag mountain.

Storing paper bags because "oh they are so pretty and I'm sure we will use them to give someone something." only takes up valuable retail space in my apartment.

The check-out guy in stores usually asks me at the end of my purchase. "Paper or plastic?" as though this is a binary decision. I bought a ceramic bowl at Home Depot yesterday and turned down the paper wrap (a ream of paper to cover the fragile bowl) as well as the paper bag and decided to simply carry the bowl home. As is. 

I swear, while I was walking out, people looked at the bowl as thought it were a streaker in a tennis match. Running nude across the department store, with no care or shame that it was wearing absolutely no clothes. No paper wrap, no paper bag. Ohmigoodnessgracious! Call the cops! The Indian woman's stealing a bowl!

It's been just a week since A and I became resolute in our decision to turn down bags. We keep a cloth bag in the car and the stroller. We already feel great. 

My next plan is to launch phase 2 in a month's time:

Say no to plastic.

End of story. 

I know. Scary, right? But don't tell anyone just yet.

My goals for this blog

Someone asked me what the purpose of my blog is and I realize I never said this out aloud earlier

My goals are to:

1. Preserve and savor memories of my (now one-year-old) daughter's milestones

2. Share nuggets from my life and inspire discussion as a way of staying in touch with loved ones

3. Have a creative outlet. I love writing. Blogging is a self-fulfilling goal in itself

Tell me, I'm curious: do you blog or keep a journal? What are your goals? Share your URL!
OR
did you ever start a blog that is languishing in a corner of the internet? What were your goals? What made you stop?

How to keep mum

A research study at work revealed that 'new moms' were the most opinionated cohort among all cohorts ever. (Explains why there are so many mommy blogs out there and why P&G is dying to get these mommy bloggers to talk and write about their superior products, huh?). I heard this when I was an exhausted, confused new mom who had just returned to work and was baffled. What - me? New mom - opinionated? No way - I had no clue how to do anything when it came to babies.

Fast forward to a year later and....I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Especially when talking to other moms. and ESPECIALLY when we start talking about my favorite topic- baby sleep.
Sleep - or the lack of it - was my state of being for the first nine months of motherhood. S was AWFUL about sleep. Since then, I rolled up my sleeves and decided that I was not going to crib, vent, rant or blame the baby for my sleep deprivation . Not any more. A and I devised a plan and taught S to sleep on her own. and wow, best decision ever. That was the start of teaching our child good sleeping habits. I admit, I tend to be quite fussy/rigid about when, where and how S should sleep and almost NEVER compromise on her sleep.

Now that I've written it loud and clear, am sure the Jinx God will come knocking at my door tonight! Darn.

Anyway - since then, I started to believe that if the mom (usually the primary caregiver) is not disciplined about the baby's sleep, the baby cannot be disciplined and independent about falling asleep on her own. I also started to have a very low tolerance for mom/dad/other well-wisher fatalistic, moralistic, helpless statements such as -
"Children will learn to sleep when they are ready. You need to suck it up now"
"We never slept for the first 2-3 years of our kids' lives so you should not expect to"
"I haven't slept for the past 6 years since I had my daughter"
"I make my child sleep at 10PM but she still wakes up early...I don't know why"
"This is the price of parenthood"
"Let the maid make the baby sleep, I'm done trying"

Of course, baby sleep sucks when the baby reaches new milestones or is unwell. I'm not talking about those exceptions here. I'm talking about a healthy, happy baby who wakes up  at night for no real reason.
Now, when S was born, I understood immediately that all children and unique and different and of course, there is no one formula that fits all. They are not robots. However, since witnessing that teaching S to sleep on her own was the only way we got any sleep and became, therefore, human once again, I've been dying to spread the joy to other sleep-deprived moms. In fact, when other mom friends started calling me for advice, I became more confident that my way was a great way...no...the only way.

Sigh. I need to learn to shut up! When my dear friends comment that they are exhausted and wish they never had kids, I get all worked up and emotional for them and get into my 'Helpful' Sleep Nazi mode = lecture mode. I typically dislike people who moralize, lecture and think there is one way to do things/live life. Sadly, I've observed myself fall in that category when it comes to baby sleep. I'm tired of seeing all my mom friends tired and can see the 'mistakes' they are making when it comes to their baby's sleep.

One fine day, though, I realized that you know what - some moms need to crib just to vent about motherhood. Because motherhood is the hardest job ever. Some moms DO have it harder than others. Some moms have almost no help with the baby and have to plod on alone. They have no village helping them raise their child. and some moms have babies who are fussier than others.

All of us have good days and bad ones. and babies who sleep well and babies who don't. I just need to remember that and accept that if my friends aren't sleeping well, they have a good reason for living that way and it's not my business to 'help' them out.

#nomoreinterfering

Tell me, I'm curious:
When do you find it hardest to keep your mouth shut and not share an opinion?

Typical sleep story in my home