Thursday, June 23, 2016

10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Stick a Pearl Up Your Nose

Hey kid,

This post is for you. Are you reading this aloud? Fabulous.

Yes, I know that the inside of your nostril is a warm, dark, gooey, magical and mysterious wonderland. Best part is, you can reach into it with your lil fingers.

A perfect fit! HUZZAH!

And yet I speak with wisdom from experience. Please do NOT stick a pearl up your cute lil nose. Or stick anything else up there.

What's the fun in that, you ask? Valid question. Well...

1. When you stick a pearl up your nose, your teacher will get a mini heart attack and ask you to blow your nose. You will not.

2. Then she will call your mommy. Who will be driving on a busy expressway to pick up her friend who just traveled half way across the country to see her. Mommy will pick up the call via Bluetooth, which ensures poor call quality.

3. Then your teacher will say, in a wavering panicky tone, "Your daughter has stuck a pearl up her nose. You might need to take her to the doctor. "

4. Then your mommy will get a mini heart attack and shriek, "a-what-up-her-WHAT?"

5. Then your usually frazzled and anxious mommy who doesn't really know anything about anything will call the doctor and ask in her fake calm, civil tone, "Hello, my toddler has a pearl stuck in her nose, what should I do?"

6. And the phone lady at the other end will say, "I'm not a doctor or a nurse but can she breathe?"

7. And then your mommy will call the teacher back and ask in a high-pitched voice, "can she breathe?!!!!" to which the teacher will say, "yes, she can. she looks uncomfortable and is crying but she can breathe"

8. then your mommy will call the doctor's office and say that you, the toddler, can breathe. To which the phone lady will say, "ok good. then please come here, there is a wait. you might need to bring some toys to keep your child entertained. (Is she really talking about entertainment here?) Or if you need urgent attention, go to the E.m.e.r.g.e.n.c.y (oh crap.)"

9. Your mommy will reach your daycare and pick you up. You will look adorable, sitting and crying because everyone around you is looking dramatically worried, staring at you and well, you know, you have your favorite pearl stuck in your nose.

10. Your mommy will carry you in her arms and kiss you more than ever before while her dear friend will efficiently google the situation and then suggest strategically blowing your nose.

10.1 Your mommy will press one nostril and you will blow hard through another.

10.2....and the shiny white pearl will fall out. Made shinier by you-know-what wonderful gooeyness.

10.3. Your mommy will start praying for a big, fat, gross booger to be the only thing up your nose forever and always in the future.

10.4. When your mommy asks you "what did you put up your nose last week?" You look adorably innocent and thoroughly impish and say "that one."

Huggy kissy,
your amma

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